The joke thread

Andrew2 · 1 The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:39 am

Andrew2

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I can't find a joke thread so I thought I would start one. We all need a good laugh. What have you got?

A bloke decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, several months after the honeymoon, he was sorting out his riding gear for an upcoming motorcycle trip. His wife was standing there in the doorway watching him.

After several minutes of silence she finally speaks.

“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing sport, riding motorcycles and fishing. Maybe you should sell your sports equipment, the motorbike and the boat.”

Tim gets this twisted, horrified look on his face and bends over as if in excruciating pain.

She says, "Darling, what's the matter?"

“Whoa, for a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "You bastard, you never told me you were married before!"

“I wasn't.” He replied.

Andrew2 · 2 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:41 am

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Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

last... but not least:If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

...To test this theory...

...Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour...

...Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Andrew2 · 3 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:44 am

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These are apparently classified ads placed in UK Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

And a Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Andrew2 · 4 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:49 am

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Andrew2 · 5 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:51 am

Andrew2

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6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy

Rick G · 6 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:04 am

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Andrew2 · 7 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:13 am

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A local man was admitted to the hospital today with 6 plastic toy horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable...........

92KK 84WW Olaf · 8 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:57 am

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Andrew2 wrote:A local man was admitted to the hospital today with 6 plastic toy horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable...........

And when they asked if they could operate on him he said neigh.

Andrew2 · 9 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:10 am

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92KK 84WW Olaf wrote:

Andrew2 wrote:A local man was admitted to the hospital today with 6 plastic toy horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable...........

And when they asked if they could operate on him he said neigh.

Point-Seven-five · 10 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:39 pm

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Why married men put on weight:

A single man comes home, looks at what is in the empty fridge and goes to bed.

A married man comes home looks at what is in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Corkboy · 11 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:21 pm

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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is pretty heavy

A zippo is a little lighter.

Suzi Q · 12 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:38 pm

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Two ducks riding a tandem.

The duck on the back says "Quack Quack"

The duck on the front says (wait for it)...

"I'M GOING AS QUACK AS I CAN!"

Suzi Q · 13 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:41 pm

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Two nuns on a tandem cycling down a cobbled street (same tandem, later that day)

The nun on the back says

"I've never come this way before"

The nun on the front says, "Neither have I.......

......IT MUST BE THE COBBLES!"

Andrew2 · 14 Re: The joke thread Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:35 pm

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[size=32]My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!![/size]
[size=32]Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.[/size]

92KK 84WW Olaf · 15 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:27 am

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Andrew2 wrote:6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy

But also 6 out of 7 aren't Grumpy either........

Andrew2 · 16 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:03 am

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all.
I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle. Then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked..
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No," - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, you still awake?"

Garyk100 · 17 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:05 am

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92KK 84WW Olaf wrote:

Andrew2 wrote:6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy

But also 6 out of 7 aren't Grumpy either........

Snow White had a headache and they all got UP Grumpy

92KK 84WW Olaf · 18 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:01 am

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Andrew2 wrote:[size=32]My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!![/size]
[size=32]Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.[/size]

Ringfad · 19 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:21 am

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• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Andrew2 · 20 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:47 pm

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I am over 60 and the Department of Defence thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.[/size]

[size=32]They've got the whole thing arse about.[/size]

[size=32]Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.[/size]

[size=32]For starters, researchers say 18-year olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokes only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.[/size]

[size=32]Young blokes haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry". We are bad-tempered and impatient, and letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.[/size]

[size=32]An 18-year old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old blokes always get up early to piss, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.[/size]

[size=32]If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.[/size]

[size=32]Boot camp would be easier for old blokes. We're used to being screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.[/size]

[size=32]They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I do any pushups after completing basic training.[/size]

[size=32]Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.[/size]

[size=32]An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.[/size]

[size=32]These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.[/size]

[size=32]Let us old blokes track down those terrorists. the last thing an enemy would want to see is hordes of pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.[/size]

[size=32]HEY!![/size]
[size=32]How about recruiting women over 50... in menopause!!! You think older MEN have attitudes?? If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night[/size]

Last edited by Andrew2 on Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

92KK 84WW Olaf · 21 Re: The joke thread Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:57 pm

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chris846 wrote:Two ducks riding a tandem.

The duck on the back says "Quack Quack"

The duck on the front says (wait for it)...

"I'M GOING AS QUACK AS I CAN!"

For Dai... 'I can't go any quacker'......

92KK 84WW Olaf · 22 Riding safely Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:05 am

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***SEASONAL DRINK DRIVING WARNING******

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Gardai are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.

Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise.

I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

Ringfad · 23 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:35 am

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Very good Olaf.

It reminds me of the time we liberated the Horse Tram in the Isle of Man to get home (minus the horse !)

Dai · 24 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 7:10 am

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92KK 84WW Olaf wrote:

For Dai... 'I can't go any quacker'......

You need to be a bit further north than I am for that one to work! Very Happy

Andrew2 · 25 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 7:25 am

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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads - Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no Men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Andrew2 · 26 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 7:26 am

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:laugh:Some funny jokes guys. Keep them coming The joke thread 112350

.

Andrew2 · 27 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 8:01 am

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, And says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says "Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.This made him....

.... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

92KK 84WW Olaf · 28 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 8:43 am

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I can just picture the whole forum on this thread....Its a great one!!

Worship

norton71 · 29 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:50 am

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All females tend to put a perfume behind their ears to entice males ..what did Joan Collins put behind her ears to entice males ????....her ankles Razz

norton71 · 30 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:54 am

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What is a nun in a wheelchair called?
( in australia anyway) Virgin mobile

MartinW · 31 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:14 pm

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What do you call a deer with no eyes??

No eye deer (No idea)

MartinW · 32 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:19 pm

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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??

Still no idea.

Stan · 33 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:07 pm

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At this festive time I am reminded of the 3 K riders who passed away on a Christmas eve ride. All three fronted up to the pearly gates with St Peter checking people in.
Because of Christmas St Peter changed the rules and demanded that each person show him something to do with Christmas that was on his bike at the time of the accident.
The first rider, Ed, went back to his K11RS and found a small scrap of Christmas wrapping paper and St Peter let him in. The second rider, Garry went to the remains of his K75 and eventually came back with a corner of a Christmas card.... entry granted.
The third rider, Charlie struggled to find anything at all on his K100. In fact all he could salvage was a pair of lacy women's underwear. On presentation , St Peter was puzzled... what have these got to do with Christmas? Charlie had the answer and held up the undies and yelled Carols. He got in.

Andrew2 · 34 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 5:05 pm

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes,Preacher. I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“No, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…

”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Andrew2 · 35 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 01, 2017 5:10 pm

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Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice..

After a week of this she can`t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him..

The Human Resorces supervisor is puzzled by this and asks,

"What`s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It`s Keith, the Dwarf!"

Andrew2 · 36 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:21 am

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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

Andrew2 · 37 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:31 am

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that bloody the jar open."

Andrew2 · 38 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:33 am

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,
'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting
rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Andrew2 · 39 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:39 am

Andrew2

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A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's
what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Frank , for the FIFTH Fu#%&n' time, CHICKEN!'

Andrew2 · 40 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:11 am

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THE PENIS STUDY

American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

*********************************************************************************************

A 4 year old boy sitting in the bath quite pertubed at his testicles floating between his legs in the bath....
"Mummmy, are these my brains?" he asks.
She replies; "Not yet" The joke thread Yelrotflmao

MartinW · 41 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 6:16 am

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Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "189."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "143."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "58."
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

MartinW · 42 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 6:19 am

MartinW

Life time member

Number of posts : 2943

Race with a Harley

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but
when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
(Unknown author)

norton71 · 43 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 11:58 am

norton71

Silver member

Number of posts : 121

I spoke to a guy in England this week and he said it was snowing and all his wife was doing was standing and staring through the window. ...He said I guess if the snow gets any worse I will just have to let her in to the house.

Point-Seven-five · 44 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:08 pm

Point-Seven-five

Life time member

Number of posts : 4172

A gentleman went to the urologist for an exam to determine if he and his wife could have a family. As usual, the doctor asked him to produce a sample for a sperm count. Handing him a vial, a nurse came in and began to lead him down the hall to the small room where the sample was to be produced.

After a few minutes the sample was produced and the man was led back to the doctor's office. On the return trip the nurse led him past another room where a naked man was having his way with a pair of naked women.

Shocked, the man inquired what was going on. The nurse replied, "he's producing a sample for a sperm count". Amazed at what he saw, the man stuttered, "b-b-but the two women, all i got was an old magazine".

"Oh", the nurse replied, "he's on Medicaid".

Rickmeister · 45 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 2:30 am

Rickmeister

Life time member

Number of posts : 495

Great thread!!! So good to have a good chuckle...

Young couple in need of a “tree change”. They are keen on setting up a pig breeding farm. They buy a bit of an acreage and build a Taj Mahpigsty, the best that money could buy, complete with a large mud pool and a straw patch.

After work is completed and three magnificent prized sows purchased, they discover that their neighbour has a prized stud boar, to service the three beauties. The young bloke loads them up into the back of his ute and drives off to his neighbours place.

“How much will it cost for your stud boar to service these three pretties?”, he asks. The neighbour replies, “Five thousand dollars a pop…”. The young bloke is devastated, “I can’t afford that sort of money!”, and trudges off towards the ute.

“Wait!” says the neighbour, “Have you thought about doing it yourself? If you think about it, the pig’s genitalia and internal organs aren’t too different from ours. Modern medicine is using pig bits in human transplants.”

“Fair dinkum!!?”, the young bloke asks. “OK, if I go away and do it with the three girls, how will I know if I’ve been successful?”

“That’s easy”, replies the neighbour, “Go away and do it. Next morning, if they’re rolling around in the mud, they’re on their way. If they’re lolling about in the straw, you’ve failed.”

So the young bloke drives to a very secluded spot in the bush and spends the rest of the afternoon having his wicked way with the three lovelies. Next morning he leaps out of bed and looks out of the window to see that they are lolling about in the straw. He mans up, loads them into the back of the ute and spends the whole day with them (He’s a bit of a stud himself).

Next morning he’s plumb tuckered out and asks his bride to look out the window to see if the pigs are in the straw or in the mud.

“Well, neither” says the bride, “two of them have climbed into the back of the ute, and the other is in the front seat blowing the horn!”

Andrew2 · 46 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:07 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Rickmeister wrote:Great thread!!! So good to have a good chuckle...

Young couple in need of a “tree change”. They are keen on setting up a pig breeding farm. They buy a bit of an acreage and build a Taj Mahpigsty, the best that money could buy, complete with a large mud pool and a straw patch.

After work is completed and three magnificent prized sows purchased, they discover that their neighbour has a prized stud boar, to service the three beauties. The young bloke loads them up into the back of his ute and drives off to his neighbours place.

“How much will it cost for your stud boar to service these three pretties?”, he asks. The neighbour replies, “Five thousand dollars a pop…”. The young bloke is devastated, “I can’t afford that sort of money!”, and trudges off towards the ute.

“Wait!” says the neighbour, “Have you thought about doing it yourself? If you think about it, the pig’s genitalia and internal organs aren’t too different from ours. Modern medicine is using pig bits in human transplants.”

“Fair dinkum!!?”, the young bloke asks. “OK, if I go away and do it with the three girls, how will I know if I’ve been successful?”

“That’s easy”, replies the neighbour, “Go away and do it. Next morning, if they’re rolling around in the mud, they’re on their way. If they’re lolling about in the straw, you’ve failed.”

So the young bloke drives to a very secluded spot in the bush and spends the rest of the afternoon having his wicked way with the three lovelies. Next morning he leaps out of bed and looks out of the window to see that they are lolling about in the straw. He mans up, loads them into the back of the ute and spends the whole day with them (He’s a bit of a stud himself).

Next morning he’s plumb tuckered out and asks his bride to look out the window to see if the pigs are in the straw or in the mud.

“Well, neither” says the bride, “two of them have climbed into the back of the ute, and the other is in the front seat blowing the horn!”

Andrew2 · 47 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:22 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

Last edited by Andrew2 on Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:33 am; edited 1 time in total

Andrew2 · 48 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:32 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

Andrew2 · 49 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:41 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out
a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next
customer in line,"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him in the
head and kills him.

The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the
man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."

Suzi Q · 50 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:37 pm

Suzi Q

Life time member

Number of posts : 1377

Farmer strides into his bedroom with a pig under his arm, his wife is in bed.

"SEE THIS!" he shouts. "THIS IS THE UGLY CREATURE I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH WHEN YOU WON'T LET ME!"

His wife looks up and says "That's no way to speak to me".

"I WASN'T SPEAKING TO YOU, I WAS SPEAKING TO THE PIG!"

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