The joke thread

Suzi Q · 51 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:37 pm

Suzi Q

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Number of posts : 1378

Farmer strides into his bedroom with a pig under his arm, his wife is in bed.

"SEE THIS!" he shouts. "THIS IS THE UGLY CREATURE I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH WHEN YOU WON'T LET ME!"

His wife looks up and says "That's no way to speak to me".

"I WASN'T SPEAKING TO YOU, I WAS SPEAKING TO THE PIG!"

MartinW · 52 Re: The joke thread Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:49 pm

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

Andrew2 · 53 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:35 am

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God's country The joke thread - Page 2 212902

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Andrew2 · 54 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:36 am

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Andrew2 · 55 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:40 am

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano
bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a
beautiful Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the
bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of
smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is
only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
"I want A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep
coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?

Andrew2 · 56 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:43 am

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THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class She
came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think
the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Andrew2 · 57 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:49 am

Andrew2

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f..k off the car!"

Andrew2 · 58 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:51 am

Andrew2

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The silent fart

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart
what do you think I should do?'

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Andrew2 · 59 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:13 am

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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's
family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'

norton71 · 60 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:26 am

norton71

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Mr Jones goes to the docs with a severe lisp due to a cleft passage.

Doc says yes.....
. we can fix it your cleft passage and lisp.... but we will have to feed you via the back passage for a few days

Mr Jones says ok ....no worries

The operation is done and the nurse asks Mr Jones as he recovers if he would like a cuppa tea.

Yes please he says with no sign of a lisp.

Nurse then proceeds to administer the cuppa tea via the back passage.

Mr Jones jumps up screaming and yelling.

Whats the matter Mr Jones is it to hot? asks the nurse.

Nah says Mr Jones there is no sugar in the tea Very Happy

Rick G · 61 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:22 pm

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Andrew2 · 62 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 05, 2017 8:07 pm

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[size=32]An English man and an Irish man are driving towards each other, at night, on a twisty, dark road.[/size]

[size=32]Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.[/size]

[size=32]In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.[/size]

[size=32]He hands the bottle to the English man, who exclaims, "may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.[/size]

[size=32]Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, who replies: "no thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here![/size]

Andrew2 · 63 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:28 am

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a man goes to see the doctor. he says, " doctor, doctor, i can't stop singing the green green grass of home. " the doctor stops, thinks for a minute and says " i think you have tom jones syndrome. " the patient asks " is this common ? " the doctor says " it's not unusual. "

Andrew2 · 64 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:40 am

Andrew2

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A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his Father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

Andrew2 · 65 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:42 am

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I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at Pick 'n Pay and
standing in a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is
load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by
now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition
because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch ..... why else would I buy dog food?

Andrew2 · 66 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:18 am

Andrew2

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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

T hen he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Andrew2 · 67 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:20 am

Andrew2

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

Andrew2 · 68 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:46 am

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The joke thread - Page 2 24301118_2220006238025421_276101938470487241_n-jpg

Andrew2 · 69 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:49 am

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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front
of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Andrew2 · 70 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:52 am

Andrew2

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He
opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It
didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the
man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we
broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up
from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if
he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband
gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where
are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Andrew2 · 71 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:55 am

Andrew2

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Honey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

Andrew2 · 72 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:56 am

Andrew2

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I really enjoy watching my wedding video................backwards.

I like the bit where we pull up in a car, walk down the aisle, then I take the ring off, she and her old man piss off, and I leave with my mates........... The joke thread - Page 2 Yelrotflmao

Rickmeister · 73 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 13, 2017 9:03 pm

Rickmeister

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Jesus and Moses, keen golfers. Both hit perfect drives down the middle of the fairway at a par 4 hole. The approach shot to the green has a substantial water carry. Jesus pulls out a nine iron and lines up to play his shot. Moses tells him that the nine iron won't clear the water, let alone hit the green. Jesus says, "If Jack Nicklaus can do it, than I can do it!" He goes whack, and of course the ball lands in the middle of the dam. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, Mose, can you do your thing with the parting of the waters and get my ball back?" "OK", says Moses, parts the water and retrieves Jesus's ball. Jesus again goes whack! The ball again lands in the middle of the dam. Again, he asks Moses to do his parting of the waters again, but Moses tells him "No, go out and get it yourself." So Jesus goes out and does his walking on the water thing. Meanwhile, the group behind has caught up. One of them asks Moses "Who does that bloke think he is? Jesus Christ or something?" Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus!"

Andrew2 · 74 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 am

Andrew2

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A guy is driving around Cessnock and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell a! nd the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Blood Hound sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Hound replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Hound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Andrew2 · 75 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:30 am

Andrew2

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Yanks Canucks Poms and Aussies

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing patriots to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Andrew2 · 76 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:32 am

Andrew2

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A 2007 study found that the average Australian bloke walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian bloke drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian bloke gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Andrew2 · 77 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:35 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian draft please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers and Molson Canadian, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English; it's all soccer, cricket and how they can't beat the Aussies at anything'.

'So why do you keep going back?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Andrew2 · 78 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:39 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of The IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like They've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Suzi Q · 79 Re: The joke thread Thu Dec 14, 2017 4:07 pm

Suzi Q

Life time member

Number of posts : 1378

Rabbit walks into a pub, wearing dungarees and carrying a bag of tools. Sits on a barstool, asks the landlord for a beer.
Landlord is amazed that a rabbit can do all this, tries to conceal his surprise and play it cool. Asks the rabbit how's it going?
Rabbit says he's a plasterer and has just got some digs in town, looking for work. Landlord is astonished but gives him a newspaper and tells him he can look through the job ads. Rabbit sits there, reads the paper, drinks his beer for a while and leaves.
Next day, same rabbit comes back in the bar. Little bit of small talk with the landlord, orders a beer, reads the job ads, leaves.
This goes on for a week. Rabbit doesn't say much, not the conversational type. At the end of the week he tells the landlord that if he doesn't find a job soon, he'll have to sell his tools and leave.

That weekend a circus arrives in town. The landlord gets excited and can't wait for the rabbit to come in on Monday. He tells the rabbit about the circus and how he could easily earn lots of money. Rabbit says

"In a circus?"

Landlord says "yes yes, they'll love you!"

Rabbit says "A circus?, where they keep all the animals in steel cages?"

Landlord says "Yes, a circus"

Rabbit says "...and all the people live in caravans?"

Landlord says "Yes, caravans, that's right"

Rabbit says "...and they all get together in a big tent?"

Landlord says "Yes, that's it, a circus"

Rabbit looks disgusted, reaches for the paper and says "What the f*** do they want with a plasterer!"

Andrew2 · 80 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:24 pm

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize
him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech
impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
point, But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's
mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs
him under his Arms and sticks the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's Fanny, pulls him out and
plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Andrew2 · 81 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:35 pm

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which
>one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door,
>dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to
me: 'Hello mate, how are you going?'

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
'Yeah, not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up
to mate?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.
Unsure what to say, I replied 'umm, just having a quick poo... How
about yourself?'

I then heard the voice for the third time ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll
have to call you back, I've got some `D**khead` in the loo next to me
answering everything I say.'

Andrew2 · 82 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:22 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Today's thermodynamics lesson

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
Assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
Proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Andrew2 · 83 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:23 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

THE $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want!'
Larry is now recovering in Ward 23 at the Royal Melbourne Hospital...

Andrew2 · 84 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:25 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

Andrew2 · 85 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:26 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A woman is on the gynaecologist's table, flat on her back, feet up in the stirrups.

The gyaeno looks over the top and says "Gee you've got a big vagina,......Gee you've got a big vagina!"

The woman replies, I know I have, you don't have to say it twice.

The gynaeo says "I didn't!"

Andrew2 · 86 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:30 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Talking Italian in America

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Peter_Skov · 87 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:29 am

Peter_Skov

Silver member

Number of posts : 119

Never let a Marine fix you dinner..... The MRE Dinner Date

This is absolutely HILARIOUS for those of who have eaten these things we can definitely understand how she felt.

For all of you who know what an MRE is... And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read. MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.

I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken20a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water.. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Viola, Angry Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -ser ies China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made.
Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kind of wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me in credulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poop for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

Peter_Skov · 88 Re: The joke thread Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:33 am

Peter_Skov

Silver member

Number of posts : 119

Hope this doesn't offend anyone,

A woman's nightmare!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe............
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself
'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub -
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

MartinW · 89 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 2:27 am

A backwoods, mountain-bred, engineering student

Andrew2 · 90 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:00 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Andrew2 · 91 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:03 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A duck is standing at the side of the road waiting to cross. A chicken walks up and says, "I wouldn't bother mate, you'll never hear the friggin' end of it."

Andrew2 · 92 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:04 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

3 girls are on holiday.................
they have a trip on a double decker bus...
there are 2 seats down ..and one up...
they draw a card to see who is going to sit up stairs...
the blonde wins and go to the top.....
after a couple of hours the 2 girls go and check on the blonde up top
there she is ........terrified..... grasping the seat with white knukles....
whats wrong say the girls...we are having a great time.......
its ok for you 2 says the blonde.....
we got no driver up here..................

Andrew2 · 93 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:08 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A BOWL OF LIFESAVERS

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers Candy. the teacher had given them.

They Would Look at and taste them
The children began to say:
' Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,'
' Orange .........orange,'

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!

Andrew2 · 94 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:11 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Andrew2 · 95 Re: The joke thread Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:17 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A castaway Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, sighted a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibility of a small boat or even a raft.

Eventually, there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde. Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman.
'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there?

Rickmeister · 96 Re: The joke thread Mon Dec 25, 2017 10:57 pm

Rickmeister

Life time member

Number of posts : 495

Fruit bats (the ones that dangle upside down in trees in plague proportions)...One says to another, "You know what I worry most about getting old?". "What's that?" ... "Incontinence.."

Andrew2 · 97 Re: The joke thread Tue Dec 26, 2017 1:16 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Rickmeister wrote:Fruit bats (the ones that dangle upside down in trees in plague proportions)...One says to another, "You know what I worry most about getting old?". "What's that?" ... "Incontinence.."

Andrew2 · 98 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:06 pm

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A bloke comes home and announces to the wife "Look what I bought today, Olympic condoms. There are three different colours, bronze, silver and gold". Tonight I'm going to wear a gold one!"
The wife replies, "I wish you'd wear a silver one, it would make a nice change if you came second......"

Andrew2 · 99 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:08 pm

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here' s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any..'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

Andrew2 · **100** Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:10 pm

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

This bloke wanted to lose some weight so he called this weight loss company that was offering a 5 day 5Kg weight loss program.

The next day he gets a knock at the door and there stands a beautiful woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads if u can catch me u can have me and she then takes off.

So this guy takes off after her running his heart out and catches her and has his way with her. Well this goes on for five days and he decides to weigh himself and to his surprise he has lost 5Kg.

Awesome he says, so he rings the weight loss company and orders the 5 day 20Kg program. The next day he gets a knock at the door and there stands the most beautiful women he has ever laid eye's on wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign round her neck that says if you can catch me you can have me and she takes off.

So this bloke is off after her and he has a bit of trouble catching her as this chick is super fit but finally gets a hold of her and has his way with her.

Well this goes on for five days and he weighs himself to find that he has lost 10Kg. So he thinks to himself I’m going to order the 5 day 25Kg program.

He rings the weight loss company and orders the 5 day 25Kg program and the lady on the other end of the line says "are you sure" "this is our most rigorous program, the bloke reply's "I’m sure I haven’t felt this great in years" so the next day he get's a knock at the door and there before him stands a pumped up 7ft bloke wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign round his neck that says if I catch you your mine...

Andrew2 · **101** Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:13 pm

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad,
what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, Wimbledon

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