The joke thread

Andrew2 · **101** Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:13 pm

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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad,
what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, Wimbledon

Rickmeister · **102** Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:34 pm

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Aussie bloke wants to study world's best practice in sheep farming. As the Kiwis are the worlds best, he arranges a visit to one of the best sheep farms in NZ.

The Kiwi farmer takes the Aussie for a tour around the property in the Land Rover. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence. The Kiwi just drives past. "Aren't you going to do anything about that sheep, stuck in the fence back there?" asks the Aussie. "Nah, she'll be right" replies the Kiwi.

On the return they stop at the stuck sheep. The Kiwi gets out, looks around and much to the amazement of the Aussie, he has his wicked way with the stuck sheep. The Kiwi says, when he's finished, "you should give it a go...it's not too bad!!"

The Aussie thinks for a while, gets out of the Land Rover, drops his trousers, gets down on all fours and sticks his head through the barbed wire fence, and says "OK, off you go!"

Rickmeister · **103** Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:18 pm

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Random thoughts...

* If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

Andrew2 · **104** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:35 am

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. That was both funny and enlightening. Did you know this one is actually correct Very Happy

.

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Andrew2 · **105** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:39 am

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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Andrew2 · **106** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:42 am

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!' True!

Andrew2 · **107** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:43 am

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn
red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Andrew2 · **108** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:46 am

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'

Andrew2 · **109** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:47 am

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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Andrew2 · **110** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:54 am

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9 WORDS WOMEN USE . . .

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in ‘fine.’

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ ... that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying, F##K YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Andrew2 · **111** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:55 am

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup..'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

Andrew2 · **112** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:57 am

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "
He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate he memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

Andrew2 · **113** Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 5:00 am

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "'Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed, ''Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.''

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ''Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.''

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, ''If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to
him again!''

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, ''I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.''

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
''Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.''

Andrew2 · **114** Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:09 am

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

*********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ...

*********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....

*********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

Andrew2 · **115** Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:14 am

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging woman.

My name is Wally. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kim. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kim to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club and watch the lingerie show, so eating out is not a reasonable solution. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I think another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, right? So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kim. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wally

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wally died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club imbedded up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Kim was arrested and charged with Wally's demise. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wally somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Andrew2 · **116** Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:15 am

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Two guys in Bunnings

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most old timers are helpful like that!

Andrew2 · **117** Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:18 am

Andrew2

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5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':

3% liked the warmth.

4% enjoyed the sensation.

93% appreciated the silence.

Born Again Eccentric · **118** Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:05 pm

Born Again Eccentric

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Number of posts : 1480

The other day, my wife suddenly said
"you're not even listening to me are you!"
Why does she always start conversations like that?

One of my Muslim friends at work told me that he had a downloaded the Qur'an (Koran) onto his computer. I was quite interested to learn more about his religion so gave him a blank disc and asked him if he'd burn me a copy...and that's when the fighting started.

Andrew2 · **119** Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:12 am

Andrew2

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A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '

The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! '

The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . you started it.'

Andrew2 · **120** Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:13 am

Andrew2

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a $20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
$10 note appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the ten note and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Andrew2 · **121** Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:15 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

A little boy around 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of
'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have
any diseases?' Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out
the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby
sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick that ran
over my frog....

Andrew2 · **122** Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:17 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Andrew2 · **123** Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:22 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

proof that men have better friends...

Friendship among women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Corkboy · **124** Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:36 pm

Corkboy

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Number of posts : 351

What is a pirates favourite letter?

Some of you are probably thinking it must be R (Arrrrrr!).

But no, a pirates first love be the C.

Dai · **125** Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:06 pm

Dai

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Number of posts : 5402

Don't you mean 'first love B the C'?

[coat - and quickly too Razz

]

Ringfad · **126** Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:56 pm

Ringfad

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Number of posts : 921

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

Laitch · **127** Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:37 pm

Laitch

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Number of posts : 3143

Ringfad wrote:. . . they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

That's cymbalic of a flawed school system.

Scotts 87 · **128** Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:30 pm

Scotts 87

active member

Number of posts : 16

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says to the patrons, high balls on on me

norton71 · **129** No offence to the Guinness drinkers among us :) Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:08 am

norton71

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Number of posts : 121

https://youtu.be/m0Ng9q9LDR0

Andrew2 · **130** Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:38 am

Andrew2

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Number of posts : 262

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.

'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I get my husband..' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off.'

She says, 'You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!'

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance,' says the barmaid, 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup.'

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up love?' he asks.

'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says.

'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the Husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead!' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink that much Guinness!!'

Andrew2 · **131** Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:44 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

THE RIGHT WOMAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits

Andrew2 · **132** Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:47 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Aussie culcha.....
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Laitch · **133** Re: The joke thread Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:24 am

Laitch

Life time member

Number of posts : 3143

chris846 wrote: I can't imagine the scale of things that you must be talking about, it must be immense . . .

A Vermont farmer was working on a tractor in his dooryard when a shiny SUV with Texas plates pulls up. Big guy in a clean Stetson gets out of it, steps up to him and says, "Howdy, pardner. Nice little place you got here. How big is it anyway?"

The Vermonter wipes off his hands with a shop rag, adjusts his cap then replies, "How do? Well, since you're interested, it goes from that ridge yonder across the road, comes across here and runs along the back of the woods at the far edge of the meadow behind the house; goes up the road about a mile to the river and back down the road to the intersection where you passed that yellow barn.

"Well that's mighty fine," says the Texan. "You know, back home, I can get in my truck, ride all day and still not reach the end of my spread."

The Vermonter takes a sip of water and then replies, "I had a truck like that once. Got rid of it."

norton71 · **134** MMM believe it or not ") Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:05 am

norton71

Silver member

Number of posts : 121

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls." Very Happy

Andrew2 · **135** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:29 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

norton71 wrote:A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

hahahahah. That was a crack up

Andrew2 · **136** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:38 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

It seemed funny when I was drunk Laughing

Last edited by Andrew2 on Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:44 am; edited 1 time in total

Andrew2 · **137** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:41 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

Andrew2 · **138** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:42 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block

Andrew2 · **139** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:45 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

> COLD BEER: $2.00
>
> HAMBURGER: $2.25
>
> CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
>
> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
>
> HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a
cheeseburger".

Andrew2 · **140** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:49 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

A bloke says to his wife. "What would you do if we won lotto??"

She says, "I'd take half & divorce you."

He says, "Good, we've won division 5, take your 10.48 & fuck off."

Andrew2 · **141** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:58 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made
from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why
are
you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do
so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six
people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get
off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six
people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Andrew2 · **142** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:06 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Bob says: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over two months".

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

"You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find"

Andrew2 · **143** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:09 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother,
How did the human race appear?

The mother answered,
God made Adam and Eve and they had children
and so made all mankind
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered
Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, because I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.

Born Again Eccentric · **144** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 1:03 pm

Born Again Eccentric

Life time member

Number of posts : 1480

Hamish and Jock were playing golf.

Both their balls were on the 18th green and Hamish was just about to putt when a funeral cortege came into view on the nearby road. Immediately, he stopped, removed his cap and stood with his head bowed until the hearse had gone out of sight. Without saying a word, he then lined up his putt again and holed the ball.

Jock turned to Hamish and said "Hey, Hamish, that was quite a moving gesture, stopping like that while the funeral cars went past". Hamish quietly, put his putter back in his bag and replied "Aye, well she wasn't a bad wife".

Born Again Eccentric · **145** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 1:03 pm

Born Again Eccentric

Life time member

Number of posts : 1480

Bruce was playing the vicar in the annual church charity golf match. Bruce got his ball onto the 1st green, just a few feet from the hole. Carefully, he lined up his putt but hit the ball too hard and it flew passed the hole. "Damn missed" he cursed. The vicar was shocked and said "My good man, please don't use such foul language". Bruce apologised and they continued the game.

As they came to the 2nd green, Bruce lined up his shot, swung his putter but hit the ball too gently and it stopped inches short of the hole. Angrily threw down his putter and shouted "Damn missed!". The vicar, once again was horrified and said a little more forcefully "My good man, there really is no need for such awful language". Again Bruce apologised and they continued with the game.

However, this behaviour continued for the next 10 holes, with Bruce duffing his shots and angrily shouting "Damn missed!" each time before apologising. Finally, the vicar couldn't take it any more and exasperated shouted "MY GOOD MAN, if you use that foul language one more time, the good lord will strike you down with a thunderbolt".

As they came onto the 13th green, Bruce once more lined up his shot and again missed terribly. Unable to hold his temper, he shouted "Damn Missed". Suddenly, there was a deafening boom of thunder and a bolt of lightening flashed down from the clouds, hits the vicar and kills him stone dead. From the heavens a deep booming voice rang out "DAMN MISSED"!

norton71

norton71

Silver member

Number of posts : 121

The joke thread - Page 3 29066299_1013703822112958_1002770122926110814_n

Tom G · **147** The Joke Thread Wed Mar 14, 2018 6:33 pm

Tom G

Life time member

Number of posts : 640

Our previous Prime Minister Tony Abbott was visiting an Aged Care Facility. After a while of walking around he started to chat to a little old lady and Tony eventually asked her 'Do you know who I am? The little old lady replied 'No I don't my dear, but if you go up to the reception desk, they will be able to tell you'

Stan · **148** Re: The joke thread Wed Mar 14, 2018 6:52 pm

Stan

Life time member

Number of posts : 2105

A follow up on Paul's contribution.
Never play golf with an undertaker. He is sure to be on top at the last hole.

Crazy Frog · **149** A bit off colour.... Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:02 am

Crazy Frog

admin

Number of posts : 5045

DRINKING IN GALWAY.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

norton71 · **150** I would lose even more :) Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:23 am

norton71

Silver member

Number of posts : 121

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.. Very Happy

Andrew2 · **151** Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 24, 2018 4:04 am

Andrew2

Platinum member

Number of posts : 262

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering and three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the greatest bikes.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Malvern Star, as well. They really do make a great bicycle...

Sponsored content

101 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:13 pm

Andrew2

102 Re: The joke thread Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:34 pm

Rickmeister

103 Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:18 pm

Rickmeister

104 Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:35 am

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105 Re: The joke thread Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:39 am

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114 Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:09 am

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117 Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:18 am

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118 Re: The joke thread Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:05 pm

Born Again Eccentric

119 Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:12 am

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121 Re: The joke thread Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:15 am

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124 Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:36 pm

Corkboy

125 Re: The joke thread Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:06 pm

Dai

126 Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:56 pm

Ringfad

127 Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:37 pm

Laitch

128 Re: The joke thread Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:30 pm

Scotts 87

129 No offence to the Guinness drinkers among us :) Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:08 am

norton71

130 Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:38 am

Andrew2

131 Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:44 am

Andrew2

132 Re: The joke thread Sun Mar 04, 2018 6:47 am

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133 Re: The joke thread Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:24 am

Laitch

134 MMM believe it or not ") Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:05 am

norton71

135 Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:29 am

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136 Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:38 am

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140 Re: The joke thread Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:49 am

Andrew2